A Maelstrom into Marriage

Since the time I read the email, I was sweating like a pig. One of the best kept secrets seems to have got out. However the mode of the leak was beyond comprehension. How could something like this go out in the public domain? In my opinion, nobody even had an inkling of this. Earlier I was feeling safe in my own make and believe world. But the safety cocoon seems to have suddenly given way to palpable frustration. Hysteria of Doom was imminent. Apart from making me ashamed beyond words, this exposure had also made me vulnerable, open to infinite ridicule and undue overtures. And I knew of no way to thwart all these unwanted attention. My marriage of just a few days seemed crumbling.

I tried talking to my wife, rather confiding in her. Like a nervous sheep about to get a heart attack, I bleated out something like having got an email. Waving aside all the niceties the difficult situation demanded, my wife’s response was one of cold rebuke, considering that we were newly married. She told me that I got hundreds of emails everyday so what was so special about this? ‘If at all you get a female, it might be unusual,’ she retorted. I was sure that she was hitting below the belts. I am sure somebody has sent her the same mail and she is already in the know of the things. That’s why she is being so combative and full of vengeance. I started correlating things. Just a few days back she had told me that somebody had stolen and changed the password of her yahoo email id because of which she was not able to log into her yahoo mail. Now, in retrospect, I think she was lying about identity theft. She must have changed it herself to prevent me from knowing that she already knew! I am positive, certain!

Anyway, what to do? My overtures to confess and decide the best course of action had been stonewalled. I thought I will try again in the night and offer her the freedom to walk out of the marriage, if the issue was so important. Or may be do whatever was suggested in the mail. My male ego was taking a terrible beating and dark clouds were there everywhere without a trace of the proverbial silver lining.

Having effectively shut me up, my wife asked me to accompany her to market. I don’t know if it is true or I was just imagining but I noticed a growing stridency in her voice which certainly was because of her new knowledge. Knowledge is certainly power, I thought cynically. The moment I stepped out of the house, the watchman gave a nice salute with a smile and I was taken aback with this spontaneous display of service-with-a-smile motto. “My God, he is laughing at me. Look at those smiles.” I think there was also twinkle in his eyes. I was ashen faced, embarrassed to the core. Trying to hide my hurt I turned my head and was met by a very chirpy young fellow who shook my hand a bit too warmly.

“Uncle, where are you going?” asked the hideous fellow.

“Why?” I retorted.

“No, you are going with aunty. I thought I will come over and learn painting from aunty. But now I guess I have to come afterwards.” He carried on in his nonchalant way.

I put him at considerable ease by firmly telling him that he did not need to come over and learn blasted paintings. I clarified that I had not opened a painting school at home. I am sure it would have driven the point home as the guy seemed suitably chastised and my ego shot up a few notches.

On our way to exit, we were met by the milkman who quite patronizingly told me not to worry about paying the accumulated bills in a hurry or the newspaper vendor who said he will take it all at one go! I was growing more and more uneasy by the second.

Shopping at Big Bazaar seemed to be the nightmarish experience. Almost everybody was looking at my wife, I am sure. And certainly at me with that knowing smile. I was sweating even in the aircon mall. A lot of salesmen were talking to her and I knew that they were frequenting my place in my absence as wife was asking about the status of the Big Bazaar smart card which she had applied for during the visit of one of those salesmen.

“So she must have got that mail quite sometime back. Or maybe as a wedding gift from one of her jilted lovers who had unearthed my secrets and had forwarded it to my wife.” I reasoned.

We got back home in silence. My mind in a quandary. What to do? Either do as suggested in the mail which meant a gaping hole in my purse. But that was the minimum one would pay for some respectability and buying the silence of those blackmailers who were masquerading as salesmen. Another was to try and confront my wife about all those furtive glances from the watchmen, milkmen and others of their ilk which might be a figment of my imagination or might be truth itself. The third and the most respectable, from my point of view, was to acknowledge, confess and ask her if she wanted an honourable and speedy divorce with future silence as one of the clauses.

I decided on the third. Having finished her household chores in which I was giving more help today than any other day, I accompanied her to the bedroom. She went to the washroom to change and I stood guard at the gate. She asked from inside if I wanted to help her change! I think I could make out the sarcasm in her voice. She was mocking me, I am sure.

Anyway, I had to bite the bullet. I asked her to sit and listen to me. I told her that if she wanted a speedy and honorable divorce, that would not be a problem. "But please don’t make fun of me. And don’t let out this secret to anybody else." I pleaded. Now I must tell you that her reaction could have made any budding actress proud of the histrionics skills. She bore the mien of somebody who could have been knocked down with a feather. ‘Oh, what a waste these acting skills.’ I thought and came to the res immediately.

“So you already know it.” This was more of a statement of fact than a question.

“What?” She was still trying to play with me.

“This email thing which I got today. So you are already aware.” I tried to correlate what I was saying to her in the morning.

“Which email are you talking about?” So stubborn, I thought. Why does she want to hurt my ego all the more by asking me to spell out the thing.

“See, I would much rather that this thing did not get out. As a wife either you can guide me about the future course of action or if you want a divorce with ‘gag order’ I would be OK with it.”

Now it was her turn to be wide eyed. Or was she acting again? You never know. She did not have a clue or acted as if she did not. I asked her again if she also had got the same email and clearly told her that I was not aware of my own insufficiency. I had not wished to mislead her into this marriage with any false notions. It is just that this kind of thing was not discussed earlier hence I had no idea about what is normal or abnormal.

“What email are you taking about? What did it say?” my concerned wife asked me.

“The one from Kirk Davis of Laos Pharmaceuticals. I got it today.” I replied.

“What did it say.” Asked my wife concerned that I might have contracted the worst possible disease.

“Increase Your Penis Size by 4 Inches in $500.” I quoted the subject of the mail verbatim.

The comforting ring of her laughter set the tone for the most passionate honeymoon after marriage!

PrideOfMatchingham